Stages of grief

I took leave till merdeka. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically tired. Tapi dalam hidup, macam-macam nak kena selesai. Yesterday I spent time shopping and doing facial (a form of therapy..the week Mek died, Z took me out to buy wedding gift for Kiah's son.She belanja me fruit juice and was shocked I asked for two glasses..tangan penuh pegang detox juice and energy juice.Then as we passed Italianies, I commented salmon pizza dia sedap.Z asked nak stop ke? And we ended up lunching there.In a recent lunch between Z and her cousin, Ummi..they said in my grieving, selera tak patah. :D)

Today I wanted to send my car to the service centre.No walk in this merdeka week.They said Sri Dsara branch ada walk in today.I put my waze on dia bwk pi Kepong.I thought my waze dah gila so I patah balik.Lucky ada jalan lain cos' MR2 was at a standstill). The service centre with a Sri Dsara add was really in Kepong (I found out later). Why can't people be honest with everything?

There you go...all signs of grief are still with me...denial, anger, guilt.Ni tengah anger and guilt stages. My advice is anyone going through grief is to get someone to talk to..verbalise your feelings..rationalise them...accept that ajal di tangan Allah no matter what...whether you gave your best or not...bila sampai masa, nothing can delay. I think it's a bad idea not going to work cos' I end up thinking, reflecting and remembering more.I slept but I woke up with this deep hole in my heart.
Zarida wrote to say 6 years after her sister died (also of cancer), she still cried. Zariani and her were close.

Here's a reminder: we do not own anyone. We cannot own anyone. We cannot even own ourselves. Dari Allah kita datang, kepadaNya kita kembali.

I need to internalise that and move on with life.

A day at Tengku Kudin

                                          Dibikin oleh Karim

It started as a casual conversation.My psychologist friend, Assoc. Prof Dr. Shukran (who promoted my blog to everyone - at a time when I was seriously thinking of shutting it down after Mek's death) read an article on Raub in a Firefly magazine while onboard going somewhere.He was mesmerised by the writing and pics of Raub. I said you better see and experience Raub yourself.And I arranged with Haji Lokman, Pengetua Sekolah Tengku Kudin (my alum at Mahmud, reintroduced by Sharida in Miri) for a career guidance workshop.Dr. S brought with him IIUM alums to assist.

And what a session it was! We all had fun.The kids were attentive and responsive (tiada paksa rela.They came out of their own will).As we stood listening to their school song, we thought how a day's caring could trigger so much motivation and semangat...not only for the students but us, the teachers. I hope this is just a beginning.If Dr. Shukran and Firdaus, Karim and Anwari are reading this: thank you, well done and kipidap! I'm glad you guys (including Haji Lokman and Cikgu Roslan) enjoyed Raub dinner with tempoyak-pucuk ubi-petai and sambal hitam dishes (and durian "organik" from my nephew's kebun).Please visit again!

Some pics:

Mek

Mek died at 6.05 am this morning.Sal and my youngest sister who slept over at the hospital yg mengadap and reciting Quran for her till her last breath.An easy,gentle passage.Alhamdulillah.Lucky,I slept at my niece's so I was at the hospital kejap tu.

The body was washed at the hospital then disolatkan oleh family members and close friends.Then we placed it at masjid Sg. Sempam.Another round of solat jenazah.Then Zohor.Then another round of solat jenazah.Uni mosque pun buat solat jenazah ghaib..which I'm.so grateful of.Mek told her twins dia nak ditempatkan whr our parents are.She got a fine spot by the road under a shady tree and Eishah said her face lit up and berseri2 as her jasad masuk liang lahad.Allahuakhbar! Moga Allah tempatkan aruah di tempat yang baik2 di seberang sana.

I feel fine after the funeral but we all miss her already.Friends of her uni days yg selalu by her side through joy and pain hantar sampai ke kubur.Such true friends!

Mek, forgive me for my roughness.Semoga kita bertemu kembali di alam akhirat di syurga firdaus.

Alfatihah.

A difficult time

...for all of us.Taufiq and siblings came down frm Kuantan, Eishah is on the way..kak de.I took the day off to be by Mek's side to recite yassin.Ustaz Adim said baca yassin diikuti oleh surah kahfi and ar ra'd..jika blm masa, Allah sembuhkan.Jika masa, Allah permudahkan.

Pak Din was fetched yesterday.He was confident Mek would be ok...the signs were good, he said.The family was called by the palliative doctor.Poor chap..kak ngah and I gave him a hard time saying the prob with the hospital and the docs was they had given up..the family had not and we cited incidences when they took things for granted..like wanting to leave my sis to die..not true but signal mcm tu la to the family.The young brave doc was criticised for not using his words carefully to a deeply grieving family..he said stage 4 when there wasn't any evidence it was.Mrk agak2 without showing us the fact.

But after kita dah suarakan hati kami, we made up.We know the docs are also doing their best...ikut cara dia.Semoga Allah beri kita sabar dan rahmah.I hv to read more Quran to come to terms with the inevitable.I think I feel guilty cos' I wasn't a graceful host to Mek while she was staying with me.I always marah whn she didn't want to eat or walk on her walker.She said tak daya. Now I believe her.

Wow..the feeling is different with losing someone you love.When my dad died tak sama rasa mcm mak I died or when my older sister died.I hope Mek won't die yet.

Saturday forum and what came after

I was invited about 2-3 weeks ago to be one of 3 panelists at a forum organised by a young research body headed by one of my old friends, Dina Zaman. A fantastic idea setting an org like that and Dinz has many young people of gen y working with her. I'm amazed.

I enjoyed the discussions only I could not linger longer after the forum. A little later, Sal rang to say Mek's condition worsened.We were all very exhausted but I got Faiz (Nik's Faiz..we both have nephews by the same name) to come with us in case Nik ngantuk to drive.True enough..masa balik, Faiz had to drive.This weekend, kami semua tak cukup tidur.In fact this week (for me, this month) has been a busy one for the household.Si Z pun boleh tahan with her 3 projects.Mek said all 3 of us worked very hard (masa dia boleh bercakap lagi). I said this is the standard lifestyle in KL.

I found out on Sunday that doc gave Mek on Saturday up to Sunday morning to live je.By will of Allah (cos' yang menghidupkan dan yang mematikan) hanya Allah.Ptg Ahad although sedated, Mek was still breathing.Visitors dtg tak putus2 dari jauh dan dekat.I broke down cos' sedih no one took proper care of her esp when she went back to the hospital on Wedn.We were all very tired and thought she'd be looked after by the nurses. Nurses bkn nurses private hospital.They even asked Kak Ngah to mandikan Mek sendiri. Mek had a fall.Lucky tak memudaratkan.Thursday or Friday, Kak Ngah slept over.We had applied for a maid but that might take 2-3 weeks more.Mek needs 24/7 care.Period.

So if you are reading this, say a little prayer for Mek.Semoga Allah sembuhkan dia dan menjaganya di dalam rahmatNya.

Creamy afternoon

I lunched out at Prof Che Nor's kenduri syukur. Met old friends and some new ones.Food was good.
We had grant funders talk with the MD of a GLC. The discussion was meriah which we carried to tea time. It's fun sitting with scientists and engineers...we spoke of the danger of drinking RO water (tulang will reput cos' our body needs mineral). Pas tu Dr Azura and Hasnah were thinking of producing cat food yg boleh menjarakkan anak. :)) Then the topic moved to daun ketum.I heard Datuk Azizan on ikim on this too.Looks like the scientists are for ketum.Then someone said pucuk betik pun bagus but must dicelur to get rid of the racun ..like pucuk ubi.I said someone ought to write a book on sains orang kampong.

The topic on music was good too..I shared what Prof Dato Yusuf said of music in Islam yesterday afternoon (and how this tied up to comments made by DYJ before he played his 12-stringed guitar yesterday morning).Oh my, adakah saya sorang yg excited about all cream talks ni? :)) Attendance was about 20 but we had really good discussions and lots of laughter.

More creamy news

Of all the creamy days, today's the one that made me restless and tensi.When I told Shapx I wanted to invite his Dato over, idak le I sangka he would straight call him up and pleaded to go to our Cream event.Tiba-tiba he said Dato setuju.When weeks later I called his Secretary, she was clueless. I told her. Dato said yes to Shapx.Dato was overseas and could not confirm.Finally, alhamdulillah he said yes.

What Shapx did not tell me was Dato was a very particular person.He wanted everything in order (and I'm a disorderly person).But we managed to work things out..he wanted Shapx to introduce him..Shapx sibuk in Perlis...akhirnya I must have looked so muka 20 sen, he said oklah, you introduce me.Sehari suntuk I mengarang to capture this bigger than life person.Shapx gave some points cos' he knew him better so today, I minta Dato Seri Mashkuri to be mc cum moderator and invite me to read Dato's intro.Luckily, DS Mashkuri ni sporting orangnya.Such a kelakar person.Former VC of Tenaga.It was fun listening to an Engineer bantering with a banker and an enterpreneur on the half glass/half full water.Kelakar gila and witty.Dato said as an Enterpreneur he would not see it half full or empty..he would be thinking of adding syrup and selling it.:))

Dato's banker friend was fun to talk to.He started Islamic banking in Indonesia.
The afternoon session (second talk for the day) was a bonus. Sayang crowd tak ramai.I heard Dato Yusof (another Dato Yusof) before and I'd hear him again.A scientist working on Muslim scientists' works.He spoke of the first man who flew.Not the Wright brothers.He also detailed the making of perfume and the wrong concept of what alchohol was citing an Islamic scholar who said if the source was not haram,the perfume boleh bwk solat and basically most expensive perfumes are frm plants..leaves ke..bunga ke..getah tumbuhan tu ke.Byk lagilah ilmu sains kami belajar.Fantastic.Fabulous.We must keep this conversation going.

Another creamy discovery

My partner in crime, Dr. Amani as Head of Pitch Your Product session, had executed well the competition.She brought her high flyer judges (two of them MIT grads and enterpreneurs, the third is also an MD and the fourth, a graceful lady CEO who had recently returned from the US, at one point serving United Nations, to serve her aging parents).

The students (both undergrads and postgrads) who made it (out of 60 registered) are obviously highly disciplined, very focused and determined (all 17 of them).Imagine they had only 9 days to showcase their innovative products/ideas in a 5 mins video clip.Dahlah tak pernah hayat hayun dia org buat vid clip or pitch.Not only I was impressed, the judges had fun as well.But we had even more listening to their (judges') clever and constructive comments.Students pun boleh tahan responding to their queries.MasyaAllah...I hope this competition will be a permanent feature.Imagine if we have a tv prog mcm ni..brp byk products the country can generate.Ni dok sibuk pertandingan nyanyi..raja lawak..

Mek is back in the hospital.Doc gives her morphine now.I dah tak terkata except pray that she is strong (we, too) menghadapi semua ini.

I am set to complete writing the intro for DYJ today.More reviews to be done..a request from Brunei now..kerja frm Australia and India belum buat.Weii...if I could do freelancing je but the job comes with my position at the uni (as an academic).Kalau dah pencen, lalat pun tak hinggap...this was what my aruah mom in law used to say.

CREAM RIDERS

We had so much fun over this topic. During CREAM month (starting this year), we have an escort service for all our key scholars. Riders leading the way to the venue.

Today I had to pick up Prof Jomo at the LRT Gombak station. Hasnah came with me.Sampai kat traffic light she called to say the car's approaching the entrance gate.Rider dok tengok his note and then my car plate number, still unsure.I had to stick my head out of my car window and said uh huh..this is it.Dia pun bawak kita ke KICT. I dah nak tergelak besar. I explained to Prof J. Dia lagi gelak besar! Haha. He said when he was at the United Nations, memang ada rider escorting that it became an embarassment for him sebab rasa macam Menteri. Humble sangat orangnya.

But what a discussion! I just wish there were more people excited about discourses like this. But those who came were enlightened.Rosli came all the way from UM. Yang lain from GERAK kirim salam je. Itulah semangatnya.

Prof Parveen's honeydew jam is the talk of town.Mmg sedap gila. I put one in Prof Jomo's bag and since he's so health-conscious, he's very happy about the jam being organic and  not having any preservative.Tapi manis gila (kata anti-diabetic). Aznili tanya buat kat kilang mana.Kilang apa, I said.Buat kat lab. Production is only during CREAM month. Haha.

2nd CREAM

The Hon Rector launched our second CREAM today and stayed back to listen to our key panelists Director-General IKIM Datuk Azizan Baharuddin and Prof Ulong Dato Harith Ahmad who's a scientist and looks like Einstein.We enjoyed the discussions.

Harith was saying persistence was key to success.Sometimes it's like moving a huge log trying to make people work towards uni's aspirations.Apparently it's the same anywhere.I'm just glad we had an audience at the launch.Some HoRs really honoured their job.Now we have to worry about the bazaar, other sessions over the month.

Sal is warded.Poor thing is overworked..since taking care of mak and Irshad.I hope she'll be ok.

Rector with our key speakers

Forum yang mengilhamkan

The four Deputy Rectors

Some of IIUM research products at the bazaar

Tahun pertama mungkin tak ramai yang participate

Baja halal

workshop