Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Ganti puasa

I have been doing this since last week.It feels like a marathon.There were days I balik lembik especially on days I didn't bersahur (like I just drank at 2 am or 12 midnight cos' too lazy to get up.Or too tired.Or too full to eat again so early).

Well, in sha Allah another day to go if today goes well as scheduled.There were times I wanted to just grab a glass of chilled orange juice and break my fast but the thought of replacing it another day..puasa gets to be more challenging as we age.It used to be so easy.But I intend to do Mon & Thursday - good to detoxify the body naturally.

Z is busy with job interviews.Kesian juga.She didn't want to do her Shell's now (nak tunggu August when she returns for good) but we persuaded her to do it now (less competition kot since orang belum graduate.By August ramai dah keluar).When you have kiasu parents, you'd be so pressured.But if she does not get it, it's easier to make other choices as they come later.Less to choose from. Smart mom, heh heh.

Need to bawa bekal once  GST starts.Happy saving!

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Waking up to guilt

I am not over with my uncle's demise.There's this hardened little cube (mcm maggie mee cube) in my heart.It looks strong but waiting to dissolve completely.I keep thinking of Pak Embong (that's what we call him) and his last moments with my cousin, Ida.

After the funeral, my siblings berkumpul at my 3rd sister's (looking for food..sgt lapar cos' some of us left home without eating..like Mek and her son from JB) and we spoke of Pak Embong, his wife who is suffering from acute dementia..she has lost her sense of memory, speech.She was not at the funeral and even if she were, would not have understood that her partner of close to 50 years was no more.I still think the children should have allowed her to see through the process..at least let her see the jenazah but she was still on the way and stuck in Ampang with Ida's hubby.And she didn't think they could delay the jenazah up to 2 hours.Kesian betul.He never gave up looking after her in her times of sickness.

Semasa tahlil di kubur, something strange happened.The day was perfect.At one point, I saw the cloud mcm mengadap the perkuburan (mcm looking down to the burial..my uncle's lot was paling tepi -where all his siblings and mom are buried..ingat dah takda ruang but my god...so rezeki).Hari sangat cantik then semasa ratib tahlil..tiba-tiba angin ribut yang sangat kencang datang dari arah belakang..I thought bumi akan terbalik...I wanted to run sbb takut the tree branches or trees would fall on us..I was nicely seated on a tikar with Mek beside me.But the imam continued to read as though tiada apa yang berlaku.It was only me whispering to Mek in a panicked voice: what is this? What is happening? Is it malaikat mengembangkan sayapnya to be with us? Mek sssh-ed me telling me to buat tak tau..ignore it, she said.Ini ganjil, she whispered back.So I tried to stay calm.Masa tu tak setitik hujan turun.Dried leaves turun mcm snow atas kepala kita.Sekali sekala ranting kayu kecil.

After the tahlil was over...some 15 minutes later, hujan mula turun.I went to solat a late Asr at a mosque nearby.By the time we came out, hujan dah lebat.

Sal recounted Pak Embong last moments at Kak De's (Ida told her at the hospital cos' Sal and Daud were there to help urus the jenazah...having some experience doing it at mak's.Ummi and Sob were there earlier so they were the ones who told Ida and siblings where to go etc).So sad.It's like playing last year's record.My mom and her youngest brother ni memang close.She looked after him since young...helped find him his job (via my dad..my mom was a smart woman... she knew how to use her connections).

Ida was the one who looked after her dad more di saat-saat akhir.The night I was supposed to visit (Sal even told him I was coming), he could not sleep cos' he could not breathe (air byk dlm lungs).Pusing sana, tak kena.Pusing sini, tak kena.He said give me your arm if I could have some sleep (asking Ida). Tak boleh juga.Then he asked Ida to urut his back.Ida said besok he would be fine after dialysis.Pak Embong lit up..he asked so I could breathe, ya? Ida said yes.He felt comforted.Ida stayed till morn but becos' they would not allow anyone to stay during the dialysis (special room), she said she'd go to work.Ida's other siblings were there to take over. But they waited outside the room.When PE had his heart attack after 4 hours of dialysis, he was by himself and I guess the nurses/docs.

This is what is most humbling...he was hopeful he'd come out ok -like his sister who continued to live up to 4 years after her first dialysis.The reason why I didn't visit immediately cos' I thought like my mom, he would live on.SubhanaAllah...mati datang tiba-tiba.We go as we are.Amalan apa yang ada.

Finally driving home after my event in KL (mlm), I broke down.That little cube finally had started to dissolve!
Semoga Allah cucuri rahmat ke atas PE and that he's happy reuniting with his whole family.For me, the cube finally dissolved cos' his death rep. the last link to my mom.We have nothing left to connect her to her life and past.That little brother who stole rice from the Japs cos' they were too hungry, that little one who looked for love from their stepfather, that boy who slept with her on the tree (not a tree house..just a tree..I can't remember why...maybe to escape from being kena rotan) is no more.And raya will be different after solat raya cos' the first home we'd visit would be Pak Embong's.We'd miss his gentle smile and his queries: bila balik dari Kuala Lumpur? Zafirah sihat ke di England? A man with few words.
As I kissed his forehead,I whispered maaf, tak sempat ziarah.Al fatihah untuk Muhammad bin Maimunah

Thursday, March 26, 2015


I had guests from Paris on an event I helped organise so I  switched off my phone.At 1 pm I saw sms-es..my uncle (the only left of my mom's siblings) died at 10 something in the morning.I had wanted to visit last night but was too tired lepas berbuka and said after the talk, I'd go over to HUKM where he was warded.

Waiting for Sal to pick me to attend the funeral cos'  jenazah akan dibawa balik ke Raub.

Satu sesalan...if my mom were around, mesti dia marah sebab didn't make time for Pak Embong...kerja sampai bila tak habis...

I sempat baca yassin for him with Zafirah semalam.And I wrote about him here http://puisifaridah.blogspot.com/

Monday, March 23, 2015

Z and the younger gals

I suspect Z balik to spend time with the younger gals especially Nadra. So she spent 5 hours with them on Saturday.On Sunday we had barbecue lunch with my puak2 pulak (and baca yassin and tahlil for our loved ones). The usual suspects: Sal and family and Kak Ngah and Sharul and family.The rest ada hal ..wedding lah..ipar datang la.I had only 2 hours to prepare for the barbecue.So tak berapa nak masak. :))

On Saturday, Nayli was screaming goodbye from the car: bye Aunty Nor, bye Uncle Dee.I can't believe you have only one child.

Haha..apa maksud budak umur 7 tahun ni?? Last time she told us: why do you like to come to my house? I think it's high time you have children of your own.I think you two should get married! (pada dia, kalau takda anak tu maknanya tak kawin lagi). :D

We had a good laugh dgn budak berdua tu.But I cabut to do my eye treatment and body massage.Z layan sampai 5 hours.Bila Z nak tidor je, Nadra would come and disturb: Kak Ra, are you assyeep? Pas tu ajak main playdough lagi.

As long as everyone's happy. :)

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Guess who's home for Easter?

Ibunya tak sempat tukar duvet cover pun!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

The Shah and I


Alhamdulillah my UNESCO talk went well at Ibnu Sina conference room at Econs.I got my boys (some 20 or 30 of them..definitely more than the ladies..about 10-15 gals/women of various nationalities). They had posters all over the campus rupanya.For a club so young, the event was well-organised.

Dr Shah Jani, a bright young scholar from Quran and Sunnah Dept was the other speaker.He was supposed to be the first speaker but I asked if I could speak first (cos' I had a pgrad class to rush to).The Shah wanted me to speak first too cos' I would be talking about achievements and challenges of the Beijing Declaration and Platform for Action for the last 20 years and to chart our own status in the Muslim world.It worked well cos' Dr Shah spoke about women's empowerment from the Islamic perspective.

Listening to him made me wonder where he came from.He said he would encourage his wife to find faults with him so that he didn't think he's perfect before Allah (berdosa besar if that happened, he said).He must be told where he erred so he could be a good husband, father and a human being.Yes! Amazing isn't it? He encouraged his wife to speak against him.Haha.On polygamy, he reasoned why would men want to start on the premise of wht was haram (zina..konon takut mendekati zina so mesti kawin lain) to reach what was halal.He said he saw too many children from polygamous marriages who ended up as drug addicts cos' the men were not involved in raising the children.

Kan? Dia bukan dari planet ini! But I love his mind.A sincere believer.
And I never heard of the prophet's female companions.Selalu ustaz2 cakap male companions je.The Shah related stories of our Prophet's female companions who went to war with him..protected him and were in the public space and not kept at home to wait on children.If they qualified, they went.

Kan? Seronok dengar cerita2 mcm ni.
A lady came to me and told me she found my talk inspiring and the organisers said pls come again.I'm disappointed that no one took me to war over the child marriage thingy but they agreed on my caution that giving access of education to women should not mean forcing them to work in the droves.Let them decide whether they want to work, work from home or just work for the family.We do not want women to be handmaidens to capitalism..there ought to be a work-life balance.2010 UNESCO report found out that there were 13 Muslim countries which had more female scientists than in the US and McKinsey's report this year found out that an overwhelming increase in no. of Muslim women working.That will change many things.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015


I am nerbes about my UNESCO talk (idak le kat Geneva or NYC..kat Gombak je).Mana tak..I'm going to raise the issues of honour killing and child marriage.Kita tak tau sapa ada kat dlm crowd pelbagai bangsa tu.Bdk yang jemput I tu pun from Quran and Sunnah dari negara yag suka bakar2 bendera Amerika bila depa marah.Haha.But bdk ni baik so maybe dia yang akan keluarkan ayat2 Quran to support me nanti.

But I'll be wearing my bullet proof vest.Mudah2an ramailah lelaki yang datang cos' mereka yang perlu ditarbiyahkan. Kah. This is in conjunction with International Women's Day.

Did a series of meetings today with Daya Bersih and Dev.Nasib Alias yang jaga Dev.We had worked together before so it should be easy again.

Almost covered all except my conference paper and the books.Haiyo..no time to sit.Meetings sepuluh kali sekejap in a day.Besok must do it.

Sunday, March 15, 2015


I think tonight will be my second nite nak dpt insomnia ni. My ASA friends buka mcm2 cerita bila after 10 pm.My brain cells will then become hyperactive...payah nak shut down! Ni semua sbb the young ones yg begitu bertenaga setuju nak buat itu ini.Kelakar giler.

Anyway, we (Comm Dept and I) managed to organise the radio training workshop for IIUM radio presenters with Ishak Nengah today.Alhamdulillah everyone enjoyed the session - he's so funny, so inspiring, so humble.A cancer survivor.Sangat tabah.I wish Irsyad met him...

Since Monday I terkejar2. Friday was at UKM...was in the same session with Faisal Tehrani.Punya lama tak jumpa dia. We were thesis examiners..him internal, me external. I told the Chair that Faisal could easily organise a youth revolution in this country sbb ramai followers.Chair usik: why don't you do one.Haha.A joke OK? Karang ada yang kena siasat karang.This country has lost its sense of humour.Sikit2 nak siasat.Sikit2 nak siasat.

Weii..next week the UN group on campus wants me to give a talk on gender parity sempena International Women's Day.Prof Ruzita could not make it so she passed the talk to me. Baik punya kawan. :))
But I guess why not.I have done some work on this.Tahun ni tema yang cuma lip serving ialah Empowering Women, Empowering Humanity.Dah berkurun bercakap pasal ini but bapak rogol anak,datuk rogol cucu, boiferen rogol golfren, empowering ke hapa benda. Women have changed.Men - very slow to change.They don't if they still see women as sex objects...tempat utk melantunkan napsu.


Friday, March 13, 2015

Tuala Biru

Sometimes after each prayer as I pray for my loved ones who have passed on, my heart skips a little for Irsyad, my nephew who died of cancer last year.I teringat masa dia sakit, he was always using this tuala lusuh. One day I bought him a set of deep blue towels cos' I knew he used them a lot.Esp. towards the end (masa tu no one knew it would be hari-hari terakhir).

I bought him buku doa to toughen him up and a set of blue towels and jokingly I told him: guna ya..jgn guna yang buruk tu lagi..malu kat orang.Like always he would just grin.Even in his pain.
Then his eldest sister later told me after his death, adik dia Irsyad would always use tuala biru itu and the old ones dah tak nampak.Sehingga hari ni, when I think of this, tersangatlah hiba hati saya.Irsyad was a good son.Kata Bibik lama, dialah yang rajin tolong Sal kemas2 rumah since they didn't have a maid. He would do it tanpa disuruh and without making face.He would always do what anyone told him (esp aunties).Begitu baik and mulia anak muda ini.Patutlah Allah panggil dia pulang dahulu. This dunia is not his match.

Al fatihah Irsyad.We will always miss you.http://i-glass.blogspot.com/2014/07/ahmad-isyad-in-memoriam.html

Monday, March 09, 2015

The conference

I suspect it was Dato Ma who gave my name for inclusion for the New World Order conference at PICC.I bumped into him (well he came to give me the assigned topic for our research).I'm glad I went cos' it was truly an enlightening session (one day only).I managed to buy some important books on criminalising war, books on terrorism, books on or by Tun (who officiated the event which was organised by his Peace Foundation actually). Going through the caricature book on him buat kita terkesan with his early struggle to help org miskin although someone said usah percaya ngat that master of manipulation.haha.But I berbaik sangka on this one.I like stories of his early struggles esp zaman Jepun.When he berenti sekolah Jepun cos' he could not handle it, he tried looking for a job from a Chinese rubber tapper but in those days, Chinese didn't want to employ Malays.So he started his own kedai kopi with his friends but got kicked out by the Japs.He went on to berniaga at the market and his business flourished.A relative wanted to buy the business from him so he sold it to him.Then he started gerai jual buah.At this point, I was in awe of Tun sbb panjang akal.

Anyway, go find this book by E.Yu.You'll learn a few more things you never know of Tun M.As he was passing by nak balik,I managed to grab him to sign the book for me.I pun nak tunjuk ke cucu I had him signed the book.He giggled a bit and said kindly sama-sama when I thanked him.Takda pula cerita dia gaduh dgn AI in the book. ;)

 I got special seat

 Kalau pasal conspiracy theory, Tun nombor 1

Wan Zaleha was the mc

I also managed to speak with three of the panelists but I was most impressed with the Japanese editor.Lelaki Jepun susah nak nangis, kan? He did in recollecting his memories of Burmese monks killing Muslims ke hapa.We spoke a bit about forensic journalism (he was trained as a chemist but later on went into journalism).Kata Yoishi..it's when we've lost our ethics, values that we'd start killing each other and humanity.

I will sambung later.Too many interesting characters but it's been a long day.

Semalaman I dok meng-goggle Yoichi.Seperti kebanyakan sepai, tidak akan ada apa-apa info tentangnya.Sekolah kat mana.Uni mana.Keluarga berapa orang etc etc.Rasanya sah dia ni sepai tapi tak tau sepai China atau sepai USA.Haha.Satu online comment kata dia ni Illuminati approved.I told Nik I think I dah jumpa ramai sepai only I do not know they are sepai.Perasan memang seronok! Tapi cer you google pasal dia.Dia sangat pandai dan akan berada di mana-mana.Sepai ni depa pilih dari kalangan journalists, cultural atttaches, artists and leftist academics,VC university, IT programmers, activists dan NGOs/human rightists.Must be an exciting life, kan? Tapi Nik ckp bila dah takda guna, akan dibunuh begitu sahaja.

Friday, March 06, 2015

Bibik baru

...mcm Bibik lama juga. Suka bergosip!

She was telling me about the high drama of the other neighbour (also renting out).When they first moved in waktu musim raya korban, I played the nice neighbour...mengageh-agehkan apa yang ada.After a while, tengok pelik je..I kept away and to myself.Bising, hisap rokok, men (there is another family sharing)...rumput panjang, taik kucing bersepah2 takda hati nak cuci, kereta letak sampai kita tak leh masuk yada yada.

There's a young man always mengendong anak kecilnya as he drives to work.We never like this kind of behaviour..letak baby atas lap sambil drive.So any wonder that I am not friendly at all? Nik boleh juga senyum2 when the guy angguk2 kat dia.I can't even look up.May Allah forgive me.I feel so guilty after Bibik baru told me of the high drama sekitar noon.The other house sharer (mungkin dia has the say and paying more) telah menghalau pasangan muda ini.Dia campak2 pakaian, tilam ke hapa and menjerit2 halau.The younger man nangis sambil kutip kain baju dia dan pujuk wife also crying..the baby pun crying! If I knew they were this desperate, I would have been kinder! Bibik said she cried witnessing the drama.

Bibik cakap the gal always pulang lewat, wearing scanty clothes.I know one day I was so pissed off she brought male friends and hisap rokok dan buat bising.I felt mcm nak gila fed-up.My home is where I want some peace.Kalau nak duduk mcm tepi jalan like this, I would have thought twice buying a place with this kind of neighbours. And they are just renting! Sometimes we must respectlah orang kiri kanan, kan?

Lucky I return home hari dah malam.Most of the time, orang balik tidur je.

Thursday, March 05, 2015

Are you the right person doing the right job?

I wear different tudungs (hats) at my workplace.Sometimes I'm the DD for a Research Centre.Other times I'm BoD of a subsidiary company.Most of the time I'm just a "slave" to my students (teacher -- I wait for them to arrive for my lessons; supervisor of theses that take so long to finish/sometimes they don;t finish at all, researcher waiting for buah gugur/tak, community worker, yada yada).

I'm not complaining ..syukur kita masih hidup, Msia masih aman.Kah kah.But yesterday at the Strategic Planning workshop, we were told something which was so close to us: the loss of fire in us.We are too complacent being just good instead of striving to be great.We are most of the time, holding up the org from achieving its potential cos' we are so set in doing ways the way we did 30-40 years ago.Padan la pun if we have not moved from tangga 500 for the last two years in the uni ranking.We are not trying hard to innovate, think differently, dare to take the risk, be less bureaucratic..you've heard it all.

Kata Dr Malar, our facilitator...for any org to grow well, you need this composition (I like this so much - ahaks): 30% Gen X (hok tua2 mcm I ni) and 70% Gen Y (cos' they can run faster, full of life, enthusiastic about everything, anything but kadang2 annoying juga sebab semua nak cepat.Haha).Gen X masih diperlukan sebab they have tacit knowledge (toxin pun banyak juga) and network bagus2.So if they merajuk don't say go..we can always replace you.Wrong! Dr Malar told us about her friend in an org she used to work with.This guy had been with the org for about 40 years.He could tell which tyre is new or old just by biting it! Dr Malar said why would he not pass that kinda knowledge to Gen Y.He said he'd do that if Gen Y knows how to respect him.Wough! But lesson to be learnt O Gen Y is this: you must respect the older colleagues kalau nak ilmu dia (dan network dia). :))

This goes back to my blog entry question.I called a curtain shop to order a new blind (sikit je..pintu and tingkap which is tak cukup tinted..want to cover it lah.Kekadang waktu solat nak buka itu ni.Bilik mengadap male colleagues' rooms.Kang ada yang mati terkejut :) ) Kedai Melayu.Dia boleh suruh I ukur sendiri the tingkap and pintu.I told her maaf I'm not comfortable with this type of business (I nak ukur dgn apa? Pembaris pun takda!) Then I tried another no.I asked first: do you visit kalau kerjanya kecil? She said yes enthusiastically.Kedai Melayu juga (phew!) I asked bila boleh datang.She said sekarang? (well in two hours).

Dr Malar said if we are not happy doing what we do, quit.Don't let your attitude shortchange your business/organisation.Byk je orang nakkan kerja kat luar sana or genuinely interested in what they do.

Sekali sekala dapat refreshing workshop macam ni (RM1K sekepala OK?) bertenaga balik kita bekerja (and I passed that to my students yang tak bermaya today.Gen y tu..they have lost the gen y zest ..until provoked.Intelligent lot they are!)

Sunday, March 01, 2015

Engagement of the year

My sister's daughter, Baraqah, got engaged yesterday to a Kajang guy.Biasalah anak2 muda hari ini, we only meet the guy and family on the engagement day (we didn't attend the merisik ceremony).

This is the sister who died early (car accident) and this is the niece who was only 2 when she lost her mother and was raised single-handedly by her dad who passed away about almost two years ago..a few days after her graduation.

I arrived 3 hours into the event.Sempat buat last min buys (her lawyer sister yang bayar..I tunjuk je.Haha.They joked about it..sampai lewat..then hysterical itu tak kena, ini tak kena.I know my aruah sister.She's so particular about how things should be done.Kalau dia ada, mmg dia menunjuk itu ini juga.My god..I never stop mourning over her.I went pun in memory of her.Budak2 tu jemput pakai Wassapp je..kalu ikut protocol..mmg reason to merajuk.But no..this is my sister's daughter.I must be there meraikan.I know that they have been independent since her death that they can take care of themselves but...).Mek merajuk. She didn't turn up.Orang tua, gitu le. :))

We ended up having loads of fun.But it was very brief cos' everyone left on Sat itself except me and Nik.Tertipu as always.Initially semua pakat to balik on Sunday but masing2 got hal.It was our Mom who glued us.If she were still around, ada hal takda hal, semua balik Sunday (if my mom decided... ).We were too tired to do a day trip so decided to rehat at Cherating..hopping from one plc to the other for a good beach.Found it in Holiday Villa.I love this place! Nak pi lagi nanti.