One of my messages of condolence came from Sharon Bakar who said no matter how peaceful one went, there would be a hollow in the hearts of those who are left behind.
Memang betul.I was so tired balik dari Raub petang semalam that I took a nap.Tengah2 nap tu that hollow feeling came mendadak.I felt suffocated.I woke up, rasa nak berguling-guling nangis.Frantically trying to reach out to any of my close friends (Nik looked so tired in his sleep that I didn't want to disturb him).Masa nilah my friends tak mengangkat telephone.Then my psychologist friend who is so used to dealing with traumatised patients (she counselled MAS staff post MH370 tragedy) text-ed me.We started talking.She said that hollow feeling is the deepest pain of grief..acknowledge it.The stages of grief would include that..mula-mula shock-denial-guilt-anger etc.I'm between guilt and anger (at myself, at others- for not being kinder to my mom di saat-saat dia memerlukan) but Dr.H agreed with Prof Quayum's wise words: mothers only know how to love and forgive their children.Dr.H ni betul-betul hantaran Tuhan! Alhamdulillah...Allah mendidik dan menjaga kita dalam banyak cara. But it will take time.
By Asar, the floods of emotion burst.I akhirnya berguling-guling juga (metaphorically speaking).By now Nik dah bangun.He said let it go.Let everything out.It's so tiring draining your emotion like that.So after a good 10 mins or so,I pun terdiam.Ada rasa lega.
Then Azah returned my call.Another wise friend. More later.
Memang betul.I was so tired balik dari Raub petang semalam that I took a nap.Tengah2 nap tu that hollow feeling came mendadak.I felt suffocated.I woke up, rasa nak berguling-guling nangis.Frantically trying to reach out to any of my close friends (Nik looked so tired in his sleep that I didn't want to disturb him).Masa nilah my friends tak mengangkat telephone.Then my psychologist friend who is so used to dealing with traumatised patients (she counselled MAS staff post MH370 tragedy) text-ed me.We started talking.She said that hollow feeling is the deepest pain of grief..acknowledge it.The stages of grief would include that..mula-mula shock-denial-guilt-anger etc.I'm between guilt and anger (at myself, at others- for not being kinder to my mom di saat-saat dia memerlukan) but Dr.H agreed with Prof Quayum's wise words: mothers only know how to love and forgive their children.Dr.H ni betul-betul hantaran Tuhan! Alhamdulillah...Allah mendidik dan menjaga kita dalam banyak cara. But it will take time.
By Asar, the floods of emotion burst.I akhirnya berguling-guling juga (metaphorically speaking).By now Nik dah bangun.He said let it go.Let everything out.It's so tiring draining your emotion like that.So after a good 10 mins or so,I pun terdiam.Ada rasa lega.
Then Azah returned my call.Another wise friend. More later.
2 comments:
Hope you are OK during this times. Turut berduka.
Doing the best I could to stay calm.Thank you for your kind thoughts.
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