I am not over with my uncle's demise.There's this hardened little cube (mcm maggie mee cube) in my heart.It looks strong but waiting to dissolve completely.I keep thinking of Pak Embong (that's what we call him) and his last moments with my cousin, Ida.
After the funeral, my siblings berkumpul at my 3rd sister's (looking for food..sgt lapar cos' some of us left home without eating..like Mek and her son from JB) and we spoke of Pak Embong, his wife who is suffering from acute dementia..she has lost her sense of memory, speech.She was not at the funeral and even if she were, would not have understood that her partner of close to 50 years was no more.I still think the children should have allowed her to see through the process..at least let her see the jenazah but she was still on the way and stuck in Ampang with Ida's hubby.And she didn't think they could delay the jenazah up to 2 hours.Kesian betul.He never gave up looking after her in her times of sickness.
Semasa tahlil di kubur, something strange happened.The day was perfect.At one point, I saw the cloud mcm mengadap the perkuburan (mcm looking down to the burial..my uncle's lot was paling tepi -where all his siblings and mom are buried..ingat dah takda ruang but my god...so rezeki).Hari sangat cantik then semasa ratib tahlil..tiba-tiba angin ribut yang sangat kencang datang dari arah belakang..I thought bumi akan terbalik...I wanted to run sbb takut the tree branches or trees would fall on us..I was nicely seated on a tikar with Mek beside me.But the imam continued to read as though tiada apa yang berlaku.It was only me whispering to Mek in a panicked voice: what is this? What is happening? Is it malaikat mengembangkan sayapnya to be with us? Mek sssh-ed me telling me to buat tak tau..ignore it, she said.Ini ganjil, she whispered back.So I tried to stay calm.Masa tu tak setitik hujan turun.Dried leaves turun mcm snow atas kepala kita.Sekali sekala ranting kayu kecil.
After the tahlil was over...some 15 minutes later, hujan mula turun.I went to solat a late Asr at a mosque nearby.By the time we came out, hujan dah lebat.
Sal recounted Pak Embong last moments at Kak De's (Ida told her at the hospital cos' Sal and Daud were there to help urus the jenazah...having some experience doing it at mak's.Ummi and Sob were there earlier so they were the ones who told Ida and siblings where to go etc).So sad.It's like playing last year's record.My mom and her youngest brother ni memang close.She looked after him since young...helped find him his job (via my dad..my mom was a smart woman... she knew how to use her connections).
Ida was the one who looked after her dad more di saat-saat akhir.The night I was supposed to visit (Sal even told him I was coming), he could not sleep cos' he could not breathe (air byk dlm lungs).Pusing sana, tak kena.Pusing sini, tak kena.He said give me your arm if I could have some sleep (asking Ida). Tak boleh juga.Then he asked Ida to urut his back.Ida said besok he would be fine after dialysis.Pak Embong lit up..he asked so I could breathe, ya? Ida said yes.He felt comforted.Ida stayed till morn but becos' they would not allow anyone to stay during the dialysis (special room), she said she'd go to work.Ida's other siblings were there to take over. But they waited outside the room.When PE had his heart attack after 4 hours of dialysis, he was by himself and I guess the nurses/docs.
This is what is most humbling...he was hopeful he'd come out ok -like his sister who continued to live up to 4 years after her first dialysis.The reason why I didn't visit immediately cos' I thought like my mom, he would live on.SubhanaAllah...mati datang tiba-tiba.We go as we are.Amalan apa yang ada.
Finally driving home after my event in KL (mlm), I broke down.That little cube finally had started to dissolve!
Semoga Allah cucuri rahmat ke atas PE and that he's happy reuniting with his whole family.For me, the cube finally dissolved cos' his death rep. the last link to my mom.We have nothing left to connect her to her life and past.That little brother who stole rice from the Japs cos' they were too hungry, that little one who looked for love from their stepfather, that boy who slept with her on the tree (not a tree house..just a tree..I can't remember why...maybe to escape from being kena rotan) is no more.And raya will be different after solat raya cos' the first home we'd visit would be Pak Embong's.We'd miss his gentle smile and his queries: bila balik dari Kuala Lumpur? Zafirah sihat ke di England? A man with few words.
As I kissed his forehead,I whispered maaf, tak sempat ziarah.Al fatihah untuk Muhammad bin Maimunah
After the funeral, my siblings berkumpul at my 3rd sister's (looking for food..sgt lapar cos' some of us left home without eating..like Mek and her son from JB) and we spoke of Pak Embong, his wife who is suffering from acute dementia..she has lost her sense of memory, speech.She was not at the funeral and even if she were, would not have understood that her partner of close to 50 years was no more.I still think the children should have allowed her to see through the process..at least let her see the jenazah but she was still on the way and stuck in Ampang with Ida's hubby.And she didn't think they could delay the jenazah up to 2 hours.Kesian betul.He never gave up looking after her in her times of sickness.
Semasa tahlil di kubur, something strange happened.The day was perfect.At one point, I saw the cloud mcm mengadap the perkuburan (mcm looking down to the burial..my uncle's lot was paling tepi -where all his siblings and mom are buried..ingat dah takda ruang but my god...so rezeki).Hari sangat cantik then semasa ratib tahlil..tiba-tiba angin ribut yang sangat kencang datang dari arah belakang..I thought bumi akan terbalik...I wanted to run sbb takut the tree branches or trees would fall on us..I was nicely seated on a tikar with Mek beside me.But the imam continued to read as though tiada apa yang berlaku.It was only me whispering to Mek in a panicked voice: what is this? What is happening? Is it malaikat mengembangkan sayapnya to be with us? Mek sssh-ed me telling me to buat tak tau..ignore it, she said.Ini ganjil, she whispered back.So I tried to stay calm.Masa tu tak setitik hujan turun.Dried leaves turun mcm snow atas kepala kita.Sekali sekala ranting kayu kecil.
After the tahlil was over...some 15 minutes later, hujan mula turun.I went to solat a late Asr at a mosque nearby.By the time we came out, hujan dah lebat.
Sal recounted Pak Embong last moments at Kak De's (Ida told her at the hospital cos' Sal and Daud were there to help urus the jenazah...having some experience doing it at mak's.Ummi and Sob were there earlier so they were the ones who told Ida and siblings where to go etc).So sad.It's like playing last year's record.My mom and her youngest brother ni memang close.She looked after him since young...helped find him his job (via my dad..my mom was a smart woman... she knew how to use her connections).
Ida was the one who looked after her dad more di saat-saat akhir.The night I was supposed to visit (Sal even told him I was coming), he could not sleep cos' he could not breathe (air byk dlm lungs).Pusing sana, tak kena.Pusing sini, tak kena.He said give me your arm if I could have some sleep (asking Ida). Tak boleh juga.Then he asked Ida to urut his back.Ida said besok he would be fine after dialysis.Pak Embong lit up..he asked so I could breathe, ya? Ida said yes.He felt comforted.Ida stayed till morn but becos' they would not allow anyone to stay during the dialysis (special room), she said she'd go to work.Ida's other siblings were there to take over. But they waited outside the room.When PE had his heart attack after 4 hours of dialysis, he was by himself and I guess the nurses/docs.
This is what is most humbling...he was hopeful he'd come out ok -like his sister who continued to live up to 4 years after her first dialysis.The reason why I didn't visit immediately cos' I thought like my mom, he would live on.SubhanaAllah...mati datang tiba-tiba.We go as we are.Amalan apa yang ada.
Finally driving home after my event in KL (mlm), I broke down.That little cube finally had started to dissolve!
Semoga Allah cucuri rahmat ke atas PE and that he's happy reuniting with his whole family.For me, the cube finally dissolved cos' his death rep. the last link to my mom.We have nothing left to connect her to her life and past.That little brother who stole rice from the Japs cos' they were too hungry, that little one who looked for love from their stepfather, that boy who slept with her on the tree (not a tree house..just a tree..I can't remember why...maybe to escape from being kena rotan) is no more.And raya will be different after solat raya cos' the first home we'd visit would be Pak Embong's.We'd miss his gentle smile and his queries: bila balik dari Kuala Lumpur? Zafirah sihat ke di England? A man with few words.
As I kissed his forehead,I whispered maaf, tak sempat ziarah.Al fatihah untuk Muhammad bin Maimunah
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